Thursday, July 7, 2016

The Long Road to Healing

“They” say time heals all wounds. Is time really all it takes? How long, does time just run its course or do we get a say in it? Some wounds heal in a matter of weeks, others years. The journey of healing is a long, winding path that can be long, hard and confusing at times. 

I used to view healing or “working through things” as a checklist. So crisp and so clean, something to cross off, I could just work my way down accomplishing tasks. Getting my list done, was always something I took pride in, I loved taking that pen and crossing items off. Then came the situation, that moment when I realized for the first time that healing wasn’t something I just checked off and moved on from. It took awhile, it was a process, I found myself frustrated with the fact that I had already dealt with that one issue, yet it was back.

I was dumbfounded and began the process of learning what exactly the healing process was supposed to look like. How do we heal? What things can we have control over and what parts just happen?

Being a trauma parent, is my only parenting experience. It has forced me to view wounds in many different ways. For my children, their wounds are paired with behaviors, usually difficult or “offensive” behaviors. It is sometimes hard to see past that into the heart of the matter. I have been on a journey learning to look beyond the behavior to the place where the wound is rooted. The prayer I utter the most is the pray to see beyond the behaviors into the heart of the issue.

This video does a good job of showing the reality of these kiddos’ daily lives. A glimpse into exactly how their brains process their trauma and a reminder that there is always something behind the behavior. The behaviors tell us part of our story, part of the healing process is helping them get to the source of their wounds. 

I have taken the philosophy in my parenting to press my kids and see what comes out. The moments when I see them open up a little and let some emotion or feelings out, I press a little bit more. My thought is that the healing happens when things are pressed out and it is then we can begin to deal with the wounds. Healing happens when the wounds we have are pressed and “cleaned” out. Cleaning out is a huge part of it all, healing happens when everything comes to the surface.

The best thing I can do in with my kids is give them doses of normalcy. I give them chances to practice the skills, they have learned over the years and to moments to test what I tell them is true. So I often put them in situations where they can “practice” handling situations differently. I intentionally put them in moments that I know may be a bit uncomfortable but I know that will bring some stuff to the surface and help them heal.

I recently had a chance to to work through one of my own things that needed some healing. I had someone dear and near to me share with me a thought about the fact that they never see my legs and rarely my arms, leggings and cardigans are a staple in my wardrobe. Which led me to look deeper into one of the lies that I believed and one that had been so present in my life, I literally shaped my wardrobe around it. I pressed in and realized that I had a huge insecurity surrounding my arms and legs. So I was confronted with a choice, to press in and tackle the insecurity or to continue to be tangled in the net of bondage. I have always loved rompers and dresses, however, I was caught up that I shouldn’t wear them.

That lie manifested itself in a way that is not overly important but in subtle ways it snuck in over the years, stealing my confidence. I was also nervous I was sending subliminal messages to my daughters that would possibly, inadvertently cause them to body shame. I am someone that tries to be self aware and make choices that are always helping me strive towards healing.

When I catch wind of an lie in my depths I want to just, dive in and see what I can get out. In this case the only solution was a no cardigan, no legging dress week long challenge, by Thursday, I bought a romper and Friday I rocked it. 

The wounds are there, we all have them. The deep places of our souls there sits those little lies we have bought into, that change the course of our life, affect our relationships and change our wardrobe. Maybe the answer is time, or just good old fashioned hard work. Whichever the route you take on your road of healing, just press in.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you SO much for this. I am already learning so much from the way you parent and love, and "SEE" your gorgeous children. Thank you for being so brave, honest, gentle and vulnerable. -Jaimi