Monday, August 8, 2016

Confidence.

Early this week, I briefly mentioned to someone that I needed to talk to the crew about something important, they overheard me say that. I quickly addressed them I could see, everyone tensed up, I shared it was a big thing but that we would talk about it later in the day when we had more time, I assured them that it was going to be okay. Five minutes later I hear from the backseat, “are you getting rid of us?

My dramatic, pull over the car and declare loudly a proclamation of disgust and assurance, that would never happen kind of response, left me wondering do they really believe me? How do you teach or show a child who has only been told their entire lives that they are unwanted and disposable, that now they do in fact have value and are wanted? How do I instill in them that they are in fact no longer unwanted but FOUGHT FOR, they are mine...forever.

My faith teaches me that not only was I created but I was literally knit together in my mother’s womb, that life was breathed into my very soul, for such a time as this, for the very things I alone was created to do. Much like my crew, I am not only loved but fought for, noticed and wanted by a wonderful creator, who does not make mistakes.

I have always loved that scene in Toy Story where on the bottom of Woody’s boot is inscribed “Andy.” The beauty of that “ownership” the confidence that Woody belongs to someone and should he forget, it is written on the bottom of his boot. My friend, Erin, shared with me how that would be a neat tattoo idea, only instead of “Andy” she would inscribe on her foot “God.”
Continuing with the Toy Story reference, I am a mom after all, the journey that Woody found himself on was a journey of recognizing his own value in the eyes of Andy. He was threatened by the new shiny toy, Buzz, he suddenly felt inadequate. Things had changed but in all reality, what changed was not Andy’s loyalty but Woody’s perception of his own value in the eyes of Andy.

How often do I do that? How often do I buy into the insecurities and allow myself to head down the slippery path of self doubt.

What Woody had to realize is that both Woody and Buzz both had value, were unique and had very different skills, opinions and things they brought to the table. Being different does not mean you are more or less valuable, different means just that you offer something else to the scenario. Woody had to accept that Andy still loved him, that responsibility is our, we must acknowledge and accept love. We must have confidence in ourselves to believe that we are in fact valuable.

I realized I can love my kiddos, for always, fight for them and pour into them, however if they never choose to receive the love I give, or accept that I am telling the truth then they will never feel confident or secure. They have to accept that I am telling the truth, accept that I do love them, accept that I am not going anywhere. For trauma kids that is literally the journey of rewiring their brains. Time and time again I have to prove to my kids that I mean it. Through the little things each day, the words I say, the ways I show it and speak it. That is all I can do, the rest is up to them, are they willing to accept it?

I have experienced my own journey of learning to accept love, being single most of my has often (more so in my early twenties) left me feeling unlovable. The sting of rejection is deep and leaves your heart bruised. I know I am loved, wanted and unique, at 29 I can confidently, say and believe that fact. It has been a long, hard journey to here, each step necessary and pivotal.

My crew will have to walk that very same journey. My mama heart wants them to just get it, receive it and believe it, sparing them the hard trek. They will each have to walk the steps towards believing it. The road may be hard at times, as their mom I will have to often remind them and show them the path. Reminding them, they are mine, always and forever.

Believing in ourselves is one of the greatest things we can do. This one choice will forever change the course of our lives. It opens our hearts, changes our minds and sets us free. Be bold, be confident and know you have a purpose unique to you.

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