I haven’t really discussed my singleness here. I really don’t want to just focus on one area of my life, only some people can relate to. I desire for this blog to encourage all people, in all seasons, walks and statuses of life. So that being said, I will attempt to discuss some things about being 29.9 and single without losing too many of you in the process ending with application for us all no matter what season we find ourselves in.
The early years (20-23), my singleness was a reflection of my value. For those first early years it was a direct source of how I felt about myself. I viewed my singleness as an illness, defect and I was a failure. Those years spent viewing myself with little respect, tearing myself down, on the prowl desperately seeking someone to love me. The wonderful web of lies I wrapped myself up in whispered, I was unlovable and worthless. I was convinced I didn’t deserve such dreams and fairy tale endings. I chose men who I knew were never interested in me, as if to prove to myself that I was indeed defective, those were the toxic years. I wish I could go back and tell that version of myself that l was enough.
The mids (24-27), my singleness was an inconvenience. During the mids I really shifted my view. Early on it was frustrating to me that I was still single. It affected friendships, living arrangements, travel plans, finances and day to day life. I had a beautiful community around me in those years, I began my quest for health, changed jobs and became a mom. I pursued my dreams, hobbies and I embraced life and got stuff done. During those years singleness was a dull ache silenced by activity. When I became a mom (half of my dream job was fulfilled), singleness took a new role. It suddenly wasn’t about me finding a soulmate but more about me completing our family.
Those early years as a mama I was insecure and afraid. I felt that my kids got shorthanded because I was a single parent. I was confident in the calling to pursue that life, but I didn’t believe I was enough. My singleness got louder. My insecurity lead me to have conversations with people about the forever future of my children. I will forever regret those conversations, my insecurities caused conversations to be had, that later lead to hurt hearts. I wanted my kids to get the picture perfect two parent family they deserved. I wish I could go back and tell that version of myself that l was enough.
The pivotal years (28 and 29), somewhere in year 28 I found myself at such peace in my singleness. I was settled, happy and was enjoying life. I turned 29 in October following the most difficult months of my life, the season of life when I learned to the phrase “it is well with my soul.” I embraced turning 29 and things got interesting, within months Little One came back, our family was complete, adoption was on the horizon and in January I met a man. He saw my value, healed some wounds and encouraged me to live and love well. We found ourselves becoming each other’s favorite humans and discovered the reality that our lives meshed well in so many areas. He claimed the status of my first ever boyfriend, we celebrated that wonderful fact and at the age of 29 life seemed so perfect, everything had clicked into place, I had found my fairy tale. Overtime the wounds of the past were too great and our relationship was over as quickly as it started. I wish I could go back and tell that version of myself that l was enough.
The months following seemed as though everything was falling apart all I could do was watch. Little One had left our home again, I lost my best friend and my plans dissolved into dust before my very eyes. I was left with a mountain of emotions, lies and crushed dreams. My heart was pulverized, laying open and exposed on the operating table. It sat like that for many days, life moved on, processing and shifting began. I would pick up the piece of the day, place it before Jesus and ask Him to declare truth over it, seeking healing from the lies that had dwelled far too long in my soul. Piece by piece my heart was healed and I remembered I was enough.
Overtime those lies crept back in and with them a toxic narrative of rejection. I fought back hard, pressing the lies and looking beyond them to the core of my value. There have been ups and downs and days when the echoes of those lies ring loudly. I push myself to silence them with truth, I am loved, I am worthy, I am valuable. The core of who I am does not come from the world or people around me or the things I do. That value comes from within, a fierce fire burning within my soul, pressing me on, guiding me. I have settled finally, into the reality of this season, it is well with my soul. My heart is healing, my vision is clear and my soul is seeking. The lies that have plagued my soul so many years are silenced. I am enough.
Singleness is no longer my loudest narrative. I am not single because of the things I do, say, the volume of my voice, the curves of my body, skills I have or the calling God has placed on my life. I am single because that is what I need to be right now, it’s that simple. I am here because I can grow here, heal here and impact best here. I have learned a lot about myself these past months. I have shifted the lens of how I view singleness. In this season no longer am I considering myself less than, instead I am greater than in, because it is exactly where I am supposed to be. The perfect season for me, I am embracing this season and the lessons within it. The struggles are working together, producing an eternal weight of glory.
There are places I am going, dreams being stirred in my soul and visions being revealed over my life. Whatever the season you find yourself in cling to the fact that there is such purpose in it. We spend the hard seasons aching for the good seasons and the good seasons we never want to end. If your eyes are constantly seeking you will miss the very things before you, the very reasons you are where you stand. It is here you have things to learn and healing to do.
Accept where you are, combat the lies that surface around you with truth, and surround yourself with people who believe in you. Be aware of your influence, lies sneak around in the corners of our hearts, learn to quickly shed light on them. This season will pass, you will change and life will move on, each moment necessary. You have a unique beautiful story unfolding within, you are enough.