Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Choices.

I am often questioned, “How I do it? How do I welcome these kiddos in knowing they could leave my home at any moment?”

The answer is often followed with a compliment to my strength, let me be real, I am not strong. I grieve it, I never fully understand it and I never get used to it. In the grief of it all I am left choices and the result is overwhelmed by my desire to be more compassionate, kind, gracious, loving and Jesus like, to me it is simple I must do it.

The calls have started again as we await our next placement. The need is great. Daily calls turned down because the fit isn’t right for our family currently. Those children, I fear becoming cast to the side as they wait for a loving forever home. May these truths forever break my heart, this brokenness should be greived. 450,000 in the United States alone, spending their days in the clutches of foster care. What a tragedy it all is.

Grieving a child who has left our home is part of it, I still ache, long and weep over Little One, the hole in my heart she made will never be closed. Those wounds keep me coming back to Jesus begging for healing in this all. I have discovered I have the coping skills, I can grieve, I have my network. These kiddos do not, many of them possess zero healthy coping skills, for they have never seen them. These are the truths that don’t make it hurt less by any means but it does shift my perspective. I look at them and realize any amount of time, love, affection and truth I show them can change the course of their life, forever. 

Our lives are made up of words and moments that forever affect our course. I think back to the words that shaped my life, some of them kind, some not. Let us not underestimate the reality of the weight our choices have. We are constantly living out and impacting the world around us, the ripple effects are unending. 

We follow the path of life pursuing the end through a series of forks in the road. Constantly left to make a decision to go left or right, each one containing their very own experiences. We become different people on the paths we choose. Choosing to step towards foster care has changed me. I suddenly see the world through a different lens and have seen things I can’t unsee. This world is hurting and broken, these babies need us to advocate for them, to love them, to open our homes and mostly our hearts to them. 

I am thankful for the fact that I choose this path that December day almost three years ago, it was the path that wrecks my heart so healing can occur, the path that made me a mama, the path that opened my eyes to the brokenness of addiction and the price tag of love. 

We are left with choices: we press in or run, heal or nurse our festering wounds, choose to open our hearts or keep them closed under the disguise of being sensible. I find myself desiring to choose the harder path, choosing to love well, love open and love wholeheartedly. To lay aside my self protection and sensibilities all for the hope that the ripple effect of my love will change even just one life. There must be balance within this life and we must not drain our cups or allow ourselves to be walked all over but when we feel the pull to press in, I urge us to do so. The journey is hard but the view is amazing. 

We can spend our days waiting for the right moment, time or situation or we can leap and see what happens. We may surprise ourselves, we may see that we had within us the tools we needed all along. We may see just how capable we truly are. May we choose the path set before us that challenges us to do more, be more and see more. 

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