Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Fear of Love

How do you do it, I could never do it?!” I am often asked that question and after nearly three years I still don’t know how to answer it. I understand that people mean well and are offering a backwards compliment of sorts. This is one of the clearest callings on my life, that does not mean it is an easy calling.

As I approached our local courthouse this afternoon, I found myself filled with fear. The building itself is not the source of my fear, this is the place I finalized the Crew as my own and walked out with our Little One that December day. It is the dwelling of some of my favorite life moments.

Foster parents aren’t the only ones who never quite know how much time we have with our little ones. That is the reality and risk that every parent experiences, our children are placed in our care for no certain time frame. As a foster parent I am reminded that this is my sweet borrowed baby at every visit, court hearing and meeting. That reality is what keeps me awake at night and takes my breathe away, like a sucker punch to the soul.

Not even the security of adoption changes the reality there is a very bitter part to adoption. This past week one of the crew grieved their reality, the struggle of balancing someone rejecting them and someone choosing them will take a lifetime to sort out. I am reminded that adoption is redemption and that it is hard and messy.

I sat in the courtroom this afternoon watching this beautiful borrowed baby sleep, finding myself consumed by love and filled with fear. As I searched his little face unable to recognize who his little features came from. I am in love with this borrowed baby and that reality hurts, loving him is easy. Love is what brings many of us to the world of foster care yet for some it is the very thing that stops some of us in our tracks.

You are faced with a decision do you press in and love well every second you have them, fully aware of the cost while understanding the worth. Or do we give up and walk away from it all because it hurts too much? It is the fork in the road we all come to, and the choice is ours do we choose to love again or shy away because the sheer price tag of it weighs heavy on our souls.

I have seen something magical happen, in the midst of a broken heart there always seems to be more love. It is as if the process of breaking actually gets rid of the meaningless distractions, prioritizing your heart for more. So many people stop allowing their hearts to be broken, they stop allowing things to penetrate their souls so deeply that they can be heartbroken.

I wonder what would happen in our world if we all allowed ourselves to be a bit more heartbroken about things? When I am asked “how I do it,” my response is often, one day at a time. I realize that today is all I get for sure and so today I will embrace the fear of love.

1 comment:

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