As he laid on the table I leaned over him hoping to distract him from what was about to happen. I held his hands as we sang a song, he cooed and smiled. Then it happened and in a flash a new emotion came across his face, one that I have fought so hard to avoid. A new neural pathway was created, this one was pain.
As he cried out in a way I had not yet heard in his two months of life, I realized how protective I am over this tiny human. Realizing I have channeled a lot of the mama grief of the Crew’s story onto this little guy. All I wish I could have and would have protected my crew all those years, I have put onto this little baby.
As a foster parent it is easy to allow circumstances to be the force that moves you around. I have learned what I can control and where I can channel my strong emotions. I can not control our future, how visits go or the timeline. I can love well, create space for healing and protect them with the fierceness of a mama bear.
Trauma parenting changes your perspective, you are always looking deeper, beyond, seeking healing, freedom and options. I feel that I never just take anything as surface level, I assume that there is always something greater behind it all. I wonder do those early months of shots, set for us the deep rooted pathway that leads to many of us dreading doctor offices. Once those pathways are created, even with healing they never fully get erased.
Just this week some trauma was triggered in our home the pain that came out was great. The tears cried came from a deep place of hurt. A place I thought had found healing, it reminded me the road to healing is so very long and hard. Those places of hurt are set, while we do our best to heal we realize that sometimes our resources are limited and that at the end of the day, it is our reality of a broken world.
Jesus is the only hope, He has set in motion that glorious redemption plan that brought my little family together. This little family that has lots of layers, wounds and more baby mamas than I know what to do with. I know that I can not go back in time and change the past nor can I protect these little ones from all the pain or sorrow this life can bring. I can, however be the comforting arms that hold them when the pain of this world invades and the voice that whispers hope over their heavy little souls.
The moment the nurse was done I scooped him up, bringing him close to my chest. I comforted him as our tears blended, my mama heart wants to make it all better. It took some time, eventually he calmed down and went back to cooing and smiling as if nothing had ever happened. Sometimes the best we can do on this road of healing is just hold them, meet them where they are at and cry with them. When the time is right we move forward, on to the next layer.