Tuesday, March 14, 2017


As I buckled her into her seat, I took a moment soaking her in. For 9 months my heart longed for this moment, the hole she left was still there. I learned to live with the ache that is what we do, life had to go on fearing that this open wound would never heal.

As we drove I chatted with her, she sat quietly unphased by my jokes. My heart feared this was too much for that possibly she was going to be traumatized. How much can a two year old truly understand and process? At a stop light I peeked around and smiled at her, then that peg tooth smile, I missed so much, spread across her face.

What overwhelming beauty comes from the ashes, forest life flourishes following a fire. Rays of healing shine down and new life begins. This weekend my family came alive again, our home was filled with laughter, the cloud of grief lifted. Little One got to spend the weekend with us, we spent our days reconnecting and learning each other’s quirks. The last nine months changed us all, we all are a little older and a little wiser.

I learned that she delights in her siblings and they in her. I saw that “dog dogs” are still her best friends and that she still has that joy. I learned that this journey is hard, it will never be safe, comfortable or “normal.” I learned that redemption is a long, hard and messy work.

There will be times where I don’t know what the next step should be and times where I will confidently step forward. I have no idea how this will end, the reality of addiction is a hard one, the battle is long. I don’t have all of the answers. I have realized I will never fully be able to protect my crew from the pain and reality of brokenness, addiction and adoption.

The role of foster parent can be so tricky at times, juggling the love of a child and how to share well. Birth mom and I realized we both desperately love the same four kids, we both have what the other wants, we both long to be mama. Gone is the turf war and resentment, replaced by the longing for healing, reconciliation and each other. Consequences are hard in cases like this, both sides never leave fully intact. The pain and reality of our situation will never fully go away, the layers are unending, such beauty in this reality.

Even 48 hours with our girl refreshed us. It brought life to our weary souls and healing to our aching hearts. Birth mom is beginning her journey of reconciling with the kids. These waters are uncharted, I am steering this ship as best as I can with the safety of my crew in mind. We are seeking healing desperately wanting to find it in the midst of the waves. Soaking in the beauty of dawn and hopeful for the things to come.

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