Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Again.


‘Mama, your heart is in my heart.’
‘Yeah baby, always.’
‘Is my heart in your heart?’
'Always and forever.’


Here we are again...where the ache is deep. Our home is changing, the call came and it is again goodbye for us. These last 5 months have been a roller coaster, Little Man was with us one year, then he left our home to be with mom, he was gone 6 weeks, then 2 months later he left again for 10 days and he has been back with us two months now. This is our third goodbye. #thisisfostercare

Our dinner table was full tonight with loved ones as we shared our last meal together. Losing him is hard but watching him trying to make sense of this all is devastating. During dinner tonight, we talked about some upcoming plans, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes, ‘I don’t want to miss that.’ 478 days (give or take) I have been his mama, kissing his owies, soothing his anxiety, watching him grow and celebrating him. Selfishly, I don’t want to miss a moment, I know what my days look like when he isn’t a part of them.

It never gets easier, this time we are sending him to biological relatives. He will be with his siblings and he will have a piece of his history. My rational brain can state that this plan is best for him but my mama heart is screaming, NO! #thisisfostercare

I say goodnight one final time, soaking him in. Desiring to not lose any of the details that make him up. Memorizing the way the light dances in his bright blue eyes. Engraving his smile upon my heart.

I told them all Sunday and we prepared our hearts for today by counting down sleeps and talking about how we all were feeling. This beautiful crew of mine is brave and so strong. They love well, they press in and still after all these years, allow themselves to love deeply enough to know the ache of loss. May we never stop loving. May we love deeply, embracing this hard calling. May we love hard enough that loss is felt. It is there in that balance where beauty dwells and hope is born, among the ashes. 

#thisisfostercare

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