Wednesday, September 5, 2018

The darkness.

Countless times I have had conversations with people, that the only reason they haven’t done foster care is because they can’t imagine letting kiddos go. Today I answered someone with a simple, “that is exactly what they deserve, someone who is aching to let them go.” These kiddos have been viewed far too long as disposable. In four years as a mama, I have said seven different goodbyes to children I parented, and I hated every moment of it. Two of those five goodbyes were sending kiddos to loving relatives so their departure was far less achy but five of those goodbyes gutted me.

I used to be afraid of the dark, like sleep with the bathroom light on afraid. I hated the dark, the dark felt scary and lonely. I didn’t like how it made me feel, as I grew older my fear lessened and my appreciation grew, I began to see the beauty of darkness, one of my favorite are the stars. I live outside of a large city so we have the gift of the stars, such unexplainable beauty exists in the skies that can only be seen in the contrast.

My journey of motherhood, has shown the reality of the beauty that dwells in the midst of darkness. My faith is my guiding force and in the midst of those painful moments, I have found a greater understanding of who God is. We are drawn towards light and it is easy to stay there, light is comfortable. Darkness can feel bad, there are so many unknowns and it is there in the dark that we lose a sense of control. In the dark we see hidden lights, the magic of glow sticks and it is the place where my heart lets go and the tears flow as the chaos of the day comes to an end.

So as gut wrenching those goodbyes are, in the days that follow them there is some kind of unexplainable beauty that happens. The gift of connection even for a moment changes our lives, so I delight in the hellos I get with my ever evolving crew and I love well until one form of goodbye changes our lives. I am no longer afraid of the dark, for I have found the beauty that exists there.

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